You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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