i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
