my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
