kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
