My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
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I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
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Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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