Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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