How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
