Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
