I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
