Someone shit on the floor
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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