Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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