he shaved USA in his pubs
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I intend to get homeless drunk
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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