I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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