Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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