Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
