hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
