Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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