currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
