drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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