he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
