Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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