I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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