I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
