This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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