In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
