The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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