You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
even my farts smell like vagina
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
