That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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