i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
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