You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
PANTIES FOUND
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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