she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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