Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
