Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
