I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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