Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
