these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
