Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
