HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
