two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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