I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
