i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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