Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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