i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
