idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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