if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
