Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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