she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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