i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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