he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
