Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize