just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
