i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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