My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
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I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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