You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
