Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
