Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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